glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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