I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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