if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
