Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
