i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
