never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
