I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
