Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
