is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
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Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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