'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
