Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
