So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Randomize
