You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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