grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
