____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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