2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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