Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We have started to decorate penises.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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