You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
