Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
