dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You took a bar mat shot.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
