i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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