one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
