no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
