the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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