Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.