that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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