So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
