Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
