Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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