dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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