Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
