Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
