i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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