So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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