I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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