I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
