What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
