Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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