So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
