i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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