i wish my penis had a tongue
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
