My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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