I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
