the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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