then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
