So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I need to calm my uterus...
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
