The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
