He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
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I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
BRING THE BAGELS
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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