Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
