So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
