I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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